Your Parents Will Likely Not Change

I know this is a tough one, but someone needs to say it. You’re probably not going to change your parents. And for a lot of people, that’s an incredibly painful realization. Because deep down, many adults are still hoping for a moment that may never come. Maybe it’s the apology, the insight, the emotional maturity. Perhaps it’s the long awaited validation, or personal accountability. Or perhaps it’s the possibility of the relationship we always longed for.

And while growth and reconciliation can absolutely happen (and we hope they do)! One of the harder realities of adulthood is realizing that many people, including our parents, can only change if they genuinely want to. They can only change if they have the capacity to. If they have the resources and support and incentive to. And for a variety of reasons, some parents don’t change.

Accepting this reality also involves releasing yourself of the belief that their inability to change is a reflection of their love (or lack thereof) for you. So often we waste our time and energy trying to explain better, argue harder, trying everything in our power to change them. However, at some point, we exhaust ourselves trying to pull emotional depth, self-awareness, or honesty out of individuals who simply are not ready, willing or capable of giving it.

And that grief is real. Because accepting people as they are can feel like giving up hope. But it’s not hopelessness. It’s maturity. Maturity is learning the difference between loving someone and trying to control them. It’s realizing that peace sometimes begins when we stop demanding emotional outcomes from people who have repeatedly shown us their limits.

This does not mean tolerating abuse. It does not mean abandoning boundaries. And it certainly does not mean pretending painful things didn’t happen. But it does mean loosening your grip on the fantasy that another person’s transformation is what your healing depends on.

Because sometimes healing begins the moment we stop waiting for other people to become who we needed them to be. And instead, we grieve who they were not, and open ourselves to the possibility of learning to accept them just as they are.